I'm not packing though. I'm just breathing. Well, now I'm typing, but for the last 30 minutes I've just been sitting here breathing and allowing God's peace to roll over me. I got up and started typing because I want to capture this moment for my future reflection, and I know I'll have to pack tomorrow night so a more opportune time may not exist..............
Today, at 5:12pm, I realized that my heart was building some major relational barriers. It started innocently enough... I was working through a situation that has been scary and painful and confusing, and at some point my heart just started to build a little wall in that area in order to cope. As the fear and hurt continued, the wall grew. Then I encountered some frustration in another situation, and since the first wall was working so nicely my heart decided to build another. And so on and so on, until I was barely feeling anything at all and a cloudy haze hung over each and every one of my interactions.
At 4:56pm this afternoon, I turned on my car and my Heavenly Father was gracious enough to offer an opportunity to explore my brokenness through a song that means a great, great deal to me. I picked up the phone and called my sweetest, kindest, truest gift of a friend. The conversation meandered through pleasantries, parental pride, travel preparations, and cookbooks. And at some point there was a divine pause, and I felt an encouragement to share my brokenness. In that moment, at 5:12pm, I realized that in breaking down my first relational barrier, I felt an instant and powerful reconnection to my Savior. It was just a breath of fresh air to my heart, and the flame of excitement for this trip and God's purpose grew larger.
Throughout this evening God continued to provide opportunities to confess my fears and frustrations in three more important relationships. Each and every time I felt His embrace grow stronger and the flame burn hotter. In building those barriers out of self-preservation, I was denying God the opportunity to bear those burdens. Those walls were keeping me from God's blessings of peace and joy. Six hours ago my life was feeling dull and blurry, and now it's more like Technicolor.
This is not some sort of endorsement to emotionally dump on friends and family. This is a personal account of my thankfulness that God allowed me the opportunity to tear down those walls and grow closer to Him. I'd be thankful of that any day, but I feel abundantly blessed that he afforded me that opportunity before I left.
Five months ago I invited Him to work through me any way He sees fit on this trip, but the hardness in my heart was prohibiting those possibilities. Tonight I took a deep breath and exhaled for the first time in months. Even my physical body is relieved to be back in a right position with my most-loved ones and my Heavenly Father.
Lord,
I'm looking forward to peaceful and rejuvenating sleep tonight. Thank You for providing so many opportunities for me to get back on the right track - I'm unworthy and unobservant and stubborn, yet You find a way to make Your presence known. You're so mighty. Please grant me wisdom and discernment tomorrow as I try to wrap up my work tasks in a way that allows my peers to continue their work without extra burden while I'm away. I have a laundry list of tasks that seem impossible to accomplish in such a short time, but You know what needs to be done tomorrow. I pray that the most important tasks will make themselves evident, and that I will maintain a focus in the midst of all this excitement. Your provision throughout the planning and preparation for this trip has been evident. Thank You.
In your precious Son's name, Amen.
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